Whether you’re big, or little, anxiety is something most of us deal with from time to time. But for kids, anxiety can often turn into a never ending cycle of fear that can be difficult to break. Fears of monsters under the bed can turn into worries about not making friends or doing poorly on a test. Unfortunately, anxiety usually doesn’t just go away, but instead it turns into something new to worry about.
Thousands of years ago, anxiety kept our ancestors safe from danger, it was a survival mechanism that enabled our evolution. Anxiety still serves that same purpose today: it’s trying to alert you to danger. But unlike our ancestors running from tigers, anxiety today is often misplaced and does more harm than good.
For parents who want to relieve anxiety in kids, the most tempting thing is often to remove your child from the situation causing them fear. But this won’t stop the anxiety, the anxiety will simply manifest into something new.
So, how can you effectively relieve anxiety in kids?
The first step is to recognize what anxiety in kids looks like. Every child is different, but there are some common symptoms that kids (and adults) experience:
One of the worst things an adult can say to a child is, “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Although said with good intentions, and the hope to alleviate fears, the message the child hears is, “I shouldn’t be afraid.” This often leads to the child feeling ashamed of themselves, and fear and shame, combined together, are a very unhealthy combination that fuel the cycle of anxiety.
Using empathy is a great way to validate your child, offer support, yet not agree that they have something they need to be worried about. For example, if your child is worried about starting school, you might say, “I understand that you are anxious about starting school: most kids are.” Then you can go on to share that adults also get nervous about things like the first day of a new job, etc. Provide them with reassuring words that you know they can do hard things and that they will get through it just fine.
While you want your child to always find a friend, never get left out on the playground and ace every test, life just doesn’t work that way. Empower you child to have realistic expectations. They might feel left out at recess, a friend may abandon them for another child, they might do poorly on a test– but all of those things, while not fun at the time, are okay, and simply part of life.
Letting kids know that even when fears come true, the world doesn’t end, gives them confidence to handle the next big thing.
Sometimes it helps to give kids information about what they are anxious about, so they can better understand it, and make a plan to cope.
You might share what your child can expect on the first day of school or at a dentist appointment. By explaining what the event(s) might entail, what they may encounter, and preparing in advance, kids often feel less anxious.
You might be able to take your child to the dentist, prior to their visit, to see the office, meet the staff, and maybe even the treasure chest that awaits them after the appointment. If you can’t take a real trip, consider a virtual one, using online photos to help your child prepare for doctor’s appointments, airports, or any places or events that are causing them to feel fearful.
There are many kid-friendly books to read on a variety of topics that help educate children on what to expect in certain situations. For example, the classic back to school picture book, The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn, offers children comfort and reassurance about being separated from the ones they love.
There are age-appropriate books on every topic, from doctors and dentist appointments, attending sleepovers, making friends, feeling sick, taking tests, etc. These books normalize your child’s fears and show a character dealing with and exploring ways to cope with the exact same worry they have.
⭐️ Tip: Check out our world of meditation for kids, complete with forest animal characters your child will easily relate to.
At the root of anxiety is the fear that things will somehow become out of control. When you help a child make a plan they feel empowered and more confident, and often less fearful.
Using a calm voice, ask them open, not leading questions. Questions like, “Are you afraid of going to school tomorrow?” won’t be helpful. But saying, “How do you feel about your first day of school?” allows your child to independently think about the question. Open-ended questions offer kids a chance to express how they feel, share their fears, and give you the opportunity to help them make a plan accordingly.
A child worried about going to school might find comfort in meeting the teacher beforehand, taking a tour of the classroom, playing on the playground before the first day, and having something fun to look forward to after school.
⭐️ Tip: Preparing for the first day with your little one? Get ready with Fox’s First Day, a guided story meditation about visualizing the first day of school.
You can help your child come up with a plan to manage their fears. If that “thing” they are worried about happens, what can they do? If they don’t have a friend at recess, what plan could they make to cope? Could they find a grown-up and ask for help? Could they look for another child who is alone and ask them to play? Your child will probably come up with all sorts of solutions on their own, and having a plan can often relieve feelings of anxiety.
Allow your child to feel anxious. While this doesn’t sound very kind, it’s actually about supporting your child so they see that they can handle feeling anxious. Remind them that anxiety is just a feeling…it will pass, and they can get through it. This goes along with what was said in the introduction: don’t try to rescue your child from everything they are afraid of, or they will never learn how to face their fears.
For example, if your child is afraid of dogs, don’t make a habit of crossing the street each time you see one when you are out walking. That just reinforces their fear. Instead, stay on your path and let the dog pass, provided it’s on a leash and controlled by its owner. You might greet the dog’s handler with a kind word and then later compliment the dog for walking so nicely, or for being friendly. In this way you allow your child to safely experience some discomfort, and they see that they can bravely keep going and face their fears.
You don’t want to minimize their fear, but you do want to minimize the amount of time they spend worrying about something. Anticipatory anxiety is when you worry, in advance, about something that is going to happen in the future. Like adults, kids can experience anticipatory anxiety and be fearful of things long before they happen.
You know your child best, so give them a head’s up about things that are scary to them in an amount of time that lets them be prepared, and not surprised, but also one that doesn’t give them too much time to worry.
Meditation may not be the first thing you think of when your child is anxious, but it probably should be at the top of your mental health toolkit. Meditation has prophylactic (preventative) properties, meaning a child who meditates may be less fearful because they practice meditation. Meditation and mindfulness practices are also something kids can do to help them cope with anxiety and fear, in the moment.
A recent study found that meditation can be as effective as taking a daily anxiety medication. Meditation works by impacting several areas of the brain and provides kids with healthy coping and emotional regulation skills they can use for the rest of their lives.
